Taxpayer’s parody of the Gettysburg Address

I have no idea who wrote this, and cannot find who did. It is on Time.com, though.

“One score and 19 years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this nation a new tax, conceived in desperation and dedicated to the proposition that all men are fair game. Now we are engaged in a great mass of calculations, testing whether this taxpayer, or any taxpayer so confused and so impoverished, can long endure.

“We are met on Form 1040. We have come to dedicate a large portion of our income to a final resting place with those men who here spend their lives that they may spend our money. It is altogether anguish and torture that we should do this. But, in a larger sense, we cannot evade, we cannot cheat, we cannot underestimate this tax. The collectors, clever and sly, who compute here, have gone far beyond our poor power to add and subtract.

“Our creditors will little note nor long remember what we pay here, but the Bureau of Internal Revenue can never forget what we report here.

“It is not for us, the taxpayers, to question the tax which the Government has thus far ignobly spent. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these vanishing dollars we take increased devotion to the few remaining—that we here highly resolve that next year will not find us in the higher income bracket, that this taxpayer, underpaid, shall figure out more deductions, and that this tax of the people, by the Congress, for the Government, shall not cause solvency to perish.”

30,000 fall for computer suntan hoax

30,000 fall for ComputerTan scam

1.6.09 / Lain Thomson / iTNews

Over 30,000 people have signed up to a web site offering to let them tan via their computer monitor without realising it was a scam to publicise a skin cancer charity.

ComputerTan promised to transform computer monitors into UV sunlamps so that users could get glowing tans while they work.

The web site then offered a free trial which displayed brightening lights bars on the screen before showing a message from the charity.

“The fact that so many people fell for the ComputerTan hoax demonstrates the frightening truth that getting a tan – regardless of the risk – is still appealing for many people,” Simon Hill, new business director at McCann Erickson told Brand Republic.

The campaign was carried out by skin cancer charity Sckin founded by the family and friends of Karen Clifford, who died of skin cancer in 2005. The group campaigns to highlight the dangers of tanning booths and sunbathing.

Chicago 14 year old walked into police station in full uniform, tricked his way into duty with none the wiser for five hours

14-year-old boy impersonates cop, police say

1.26.09 / Angela Rozas, Jeremy Gorner and Azam Ahmed / Chicago Tribune

Chicago police arrested a 14-year-old boy for allegedly impersonating one of their own Saturday.

The boy, who has been charged as a juvenile for impersonating an officer, walked into the Grand Crossing District station, 7040 S. Cottage Grove Ave., dressed in a Chicago police uniform, police spokeswoman Monique Bond said. The boy, who reported for duty about 1:30 p.m., partnered with another police officer for about five hours.

The boy identified himself as an officer from another district but was detailed for the day to Grand Crossing and also was savvy enough to sign out a police radio and a ticket book, according to a source. The source also said the boy went on traffic stops with the officer he went on the street with.

Bond said the boy “did not write tickets” and said there was “no information to indicate that he [was] ever behind the wheel.”
At an afternoon news conference, police said the boy had no interaction with the public.

After his tour was over, a ranking officer became suspicious of the boy. Police said the officer discovered the teen was not a real police officer when he couldn’t produce any credentials. The boy was wearing police-issued pants, shirt, vest, sweater and skull cap, police said.

He was missing his police star, but that was not discovered until after he returned from traffic patrol. Police said the 14-year-old’s partner on the traffic assignment did not recognize the boy was underage.

The source said the boy had an empty holster and a newspaper in place of a ballistic vest in his vest carrier.

Police described the boy as a former “police explorer,” which means he was part of a community program run through the Police Department’s Chicago Alternative Policing Strategy (CAPS) that allows youths to interact with Chicago police officers. He was part of the explorer program in 2008 in the Englewood District.

“The boy was not armed, and the matter is under investigation with Internal Affairs,” Bond said.

Bond also said that how the boy acquired the police uniform was under investigation. Police officers need to present identification while acquiring their uniforms, police said.

The boy “has identified an egregious breach in security,” Deputy Supt. of Patrol Dan Dugan said.

The boy, whom authorities did not identify since he’s a juvenile, is scheduled to appear in Juvenile Court at 10 a.m. Monday.

A personal letter from Satan to Henry Paulson

3.31.08 / Charles Hugh Smith Weblog

FROM THE OFFICE OF SATAN
“Prince of Lies and proud of it”

Dear Hank:

You have outdone yourself once again, my loyal servant, with these fraudulent, deliciously deceptive proposals to reform the utterly corrupt financial system you exploited so profitably as head of Goldman Sachs.

My plans for the destruction of the United States of America have been going along rather swimmingly until we rushed things a bit with Bear Stearns–ah, the wondrous power of pure, unmitigated greed! It remains my favorite tool–and calls for reform were suddenly everywhere.

The rules which would have undone us were simple indeed, as you know all too well:

1. complete transparency of risk and leverage in all financial documents and financial instruments
2. the marking to market of all financial instruments and assets at the close of the trading day, as is currently done with commodities futures and stock options
3. the banning of “off balance sheet” accounting
4. the banning of offshore accounts and holding companies
5. the uniform enforcement of these regulations across all financial classes, assets, firms, brokers and banks

As you know, Hank, transparency, mark-to-market and strictly enforced regulations of all banks, broker-dealers and financial institutions would deal a death blow to my plans to destroy the U.S. via destruction of its financial system. Having sold your soul to me for the glory and riches you received at Goldman Sachs, you had to comply with my orders to destroy any such useful regulations with cunning “fixes” of your own.

Though I counted on your native feral survival instincts, I did not expect a plan of such evil genius. Imagine how foolish and naive humans must be to accept your “fix”! My mind boggles at the ease with which you have conned the gullible gallery of idiots in Congress and the mainstream media:

1. You diminish the powers of the Federal agencies and favor the “shadow government” Federal Reserve, which is not even a government agency but a private institution.
2. Instead of proposing transparency, you are adding another layer of secrecy in what the Fed can investigate and do to “fix” future problems.
3. Enable more “self-regulation” (hahahaha, I can’t stop laughing at this one! You really are a comedian!)

I am still amused that the American populace hasn’t noticed that you, Master of the Dark Arts at Goldman Sachs, have been duly appointed as the wolf assigned to guard the sheep. Now you have suggested opening the rusty wire fencing and lighting the opening so your brethren can more easily slip in and slaughter as many sheep as they wish–and the American sheep sit there mesmerized by my other crowning achievement, the TV, blithely accepted that the most voracious, cleverest wolf is now their “guardian.” Never in my wildest imaginations did I hope for such gross stupidity, ignorance and naiveté.

Keep up the fine work–

Your Lord and Master,

Lucifer